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Cross cuteness

Dear Jesus,

I saw that church billboard in Houston where they used a cross instead of a “t.” On behalf of the rest of us: sorry.

Love,
thad

In a van across the River?

Dear Jesus,

Is Chris Farley in heaven? I know he was a mess but I can’t believe you’d let the Devil have Matt Foley for all eternity.

Love,
thad

Yankees (or Vampires 10)

Dear Jesus,

I know you’re the Prince of Peace and all, but could you steer clear of this thing between the Yankees and Jeter just a bit longer? TIA.

Love,
thad

Person of the Year

Dear Jesus:

I just saw that LeBron was nominated for Time’s Person of the Year. Did you come get all the other persons and I missed it?

Love,
thad

Politics (or Vampires 9)

Dear Jesus,

Please come quickly. And if you don’t, is there any chance I could go to sleep and wake up after election day? TIA.

Love,
thad

Yankees (or Vampires 8)

Dear Jesus,

I don’t know if you read this guy’s blog, but he’s crusading for justice (and he’s a heck of a writer) // www.thadnorvell.com

Love,
thad

Flu

Dear Jesus,

I know it seems sadistic, but when you kill sickness and death, can I watch the “double-edged” stomach flu die? Slowly.

Love, thad

Children

Dear Jesus,

I agree children are a blessing, but so is never having to google “clean diarrhea off mattress.” I guess I can’t have it all.

Love,
thad

Crazy preachers

Dear Jesus,

You know that preacher in Florida who likes to play with matches? Oh. You don’t? Right. That answers my question. Thanks.

Love,
thad

Shhh

Dear Jesus,

If there is a giant in me, let’s not wake him. The smallish version of me is trouble enough.

Love,
thad

Oreos

Dear Jesus,

I just found a half-eaten Oreo in my bed. When you said the Kingdom is for “such as these” referring to kids, you didn’t mean I’d have to sweep crumbs out of my bed for all eternity, did you? If so, is hell my only other option?

Love,
thad

Electricity

Dear Jesus,

Last night when I shouted your name after accidentally touching live wires with a piece of metal, I wasn’t taking it in vain. I was being optimistic (in case that was it for me).

Love,
thad

Vampires 7

Dear Jesus,

I’m pretty sure the movie “Vampires Suck” was made by vampires since it looks like it sucks and is about vampires.

Love,
thad

Hell

Dear Jesus:

Will Texans have an easier adjustment to hell than the general population? I’m referring both to the weather and the omnipresence of Mack Brown.

Love,
thad

Screws

Dear Jesus,

If someone murders the guy making all the cheap screws that strip every time I dare to turn them, it was probably me.

Love,
thad

Lord’s Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Sorry it’s been a while. How often do you expect me to write? Should I just tweet the Lord’s Prayer if I’m sick or busy?

Love,
thad

Inception 2

Dear Jesus,

I just saw Inception. I think. Or was it just a—hey, cool, why does that top keep spinning and spinning?

Love,
thad

Football

Dear Jesus,

Every August, just as the Texas heat makes me wonder if I’m in hell, you remind me that I’m not when football returns. Thanks.

Love,
thad

The woods

Dear Jesus,

When I was little I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, but that’s just because where I grew up we called the forest “the woods.”

Love,
thad

Teevee

Dear Jesus,

There’s a whole teevee show about cupcakes. I was confused, but then I realized you must have been hungry when you let that one happen.

Love,
thad

Legalism

Dear Jesus,

I’ll keep my notes to you under 140 characters as often as possible, but thanks for freeing me from the law of sin and twitter.

Love,
thad

Attention addiction

Dear Jesus,

Remember this morning when my two year old screamed “EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME!!” and I tried to turn her off with the remote? Sorry. I got confused and mistook her for another Brett Favre story on ESPN.

Love,
thad

Country music

Dear Jesus,

Did it annoy you that Carrie Underwood got rich telling you what to do all because she’s not a very good driver?

Love,
thad

Buttheads

Dear Jesus,

You know how some people see the good in everyone, even the real buttheads? Thanks for not making me one of them.

Love,
thad

Omniscience

Dear Jesus,

Did it frustrate you knowing air conditioning would be invented, but not until after your human years? I guess even omniscience has its downsides.

Love,
thad

TGIF / TGBSG

Dear Jesus,

Do you TGIF? If so, do you think of Bob Saget every time? If so, do you TGBSG (Thank God Bob Saget’s Gone)? Yeah, me too.

Love,
thad

Inception

Dear Jesus,

As a kid I thought my life was just God dreaming. I haven’t seen Inception, but I may have written the script when I was 6.

Love,
thad

Old house angst

Dear Jesus,

I don’t feel funny today. Know why? Because WHY DID YOU LET ME BUY AN OLD HOUSE??!? That’s why.

Love,
thad

Facebook Jesus 3

Dear Jesus,

Some people don’t know what a CAPTCHA is. Not you. You know everything, even more than Al Gore. http://bit.ly/a6y8bI

Love,
thad

Facebook Jesus 2

Dear Jesus,

The facebook CAPTCHA for my last note was “repented any.” WTH? No, really. Is that you or a vampire in the facebook?

Love,
thad

Facebook Jesus

Dear Jesus:

Facebook wants me to “like” you. I’m skeptical that it’s really you, but I also can’t make myself press the X. Ugh.

Love,
thad

Disappointment

Dear Jesus,

I only have two real disappointments in life: no jet pack and the existence of TMZ. J/K. I have lots more than that.

Love,
thad

Vampires 6

Dear Jesus,

Is Grandpa Munster in heaven? Remembered I liked him. Realized the pouty ones are the problem, not the funny ones.

Love,
thad

Vampires 5

Dear Jesus,

I don’t think The Count on Sesame Street is really a vampire. I’ve never even heard him mention sucking blood. HTH.

Love,
thad

Vampires 4

Dear Jesus,

I really love Patty Griffin and Pierce Pettis. This has nothing to do with vampires. Except: thank you they aren’t vampires. That would be a real dilemma for me, and God (that’s you) knows I have enough of those already.

Love,
thad

Vampires 3

Dear Jesus,

As a kid I saw Love at First Bite. I can’t explain it. Please don’t count it against me in the vampire cleansing.

Love,
thad

Vampires 2

Dear Jesus,

About the vampires. Does the stake through the heart thing really work? I’m nonviolent, but I’d consider an exception for you.

Love,
thad

Vampires

Dear Jesus,

Enough with the vampires everywhere, right? I know you’re with me on this one. Please make them go away.

Love,
thad

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